Before these were things, I lived this as a teen. My boyfriend not only never wanted to do things with my friends, but there were days that we had plans, when he ghosted me and then gaslighted me about it.
The first time was when an old friend of his who had moved away came back for a visit. When his friend got to the house I was sitting on the couch, and my boyfriend just started talking to his friend. I’d stood up when his friend came in, and my boyfriend never introduced me. After a few minutes of this rudeness, I finally introduced myself, by name and told his friend that I was his girlfriend.
His friend apologized! His FRIEND! It was so ridiculous! His friend was so embarrassed and apologetically said, “I’m so sorry, I thought you were [younger sister]’s friend! I didn’t realize!”
That was actually a fair assumption on his friend’s part. His younger sister was only 2 1/2 years younger, and the fact that he just went on chatting with his friend and completely ignoring me, could easily lead someone who didn’t know otherwise to that conclusion. Afterwards my boyfriend just blew the whole thing off like – “What?!? No big deal!” After embarrassing both me and his friend.
The next time I had come back to his house for a family dinner after he’d already cancelled holiday plans with my family earlier that day. He knew that I was coming back, but instead of telling his mom, he just went on with the day. Then when I got there, his mom apologized that dinner was already done because he’d told me the wrong time. To add more insult, instead of sitting with me while I ate dinner while his parent, aunts and uncles ate dessert, he told me, “I’m going over to my cousins’ house for a little bit.”
They lived a few houses over, so it was a short walk. By the time he got back over 3 hours later, I had all of my things that were at his house packed and in my car. I told him we were done, and I walked out after throwing his class ring in his face along with the tiny engagement ring he’d tried to trap me into a future commitment with him by proposing to me in front of his entire family on my 18th birthday. To this day, I’m convinced that I would have left that relationship at least a year earlier than I did if he hadn’t done that. I quite honestly felt confused and trapped by the situation, I loved his family and didn’t want to disappoint them. I’m forever grateful to my 18 year old self that instead of answering “Yes” I said “After college.”
I had so many reasons for that answer, the top being that I already had a scholarship lined up, and being married would negate it. I KNEW I was going to college, and there was NOTHING that was going to stand in my way. He definitely tried, there were so many things he tried in that last year we were together. The Cycle of Violence got shorter and shorter. The violence got more physical each time. Near the end he picked me up and threw me about 10 feet across my room. My landing actually broke my childhood toy box. Why didn’t I end it that night Because he had already started stalking me. After that night he stalked me even more frequently, and I was often scared for my safety and my mom’s safety.
When I finally ended things I had to have my manager or a coworker walk me to my car every night at the end of my shift for a while. In a blessing of time coincidence, my mom and I also moved shortly after as she was downsizing in preparation for my moving out after college. Would things have escalated so much if I hadn’t felt trapped to stay for that final year? I’ll honestly never know, but I am forever grateful that I had an unknowing support system surrounding me when I finally did walk out of that abusive door and towards my personal recovery.
You may also deserve to walk through your own door to a safer future and a new version of you. If so, there are so many resources that can help you take the steps to focus on doing so safely. I recommend safe browsing by using a computer at a local library, or the phone / computer of a trusted friend so that your search history cannot be seen. RAINN.org is a great place to get started! Depending on where you live, there may also be local resources, possibly even very close to your own neighborhood.
If you or someone you know is ready to end the ghosting, gaslighting and violence, I wish you all of the support you need to find your safer future!